I have been avoiding my weekly updates for two reasons:

1. We found out that we had lost our first baby at 12 weeks, so I wanted to make sure that “the jinxed week” would go by without a problem.
2. As April approaches, I have been getting more and more depressed.

I’ve been experiencing overwhelming guilt for doing this to the baby in my stomach, and I feel like a horrible mother. But lately, all the horrible feelings from my miscarriage has been rushing back and I am in a relapse of the grieving period.

I am so, so sorry, baby. I apologize in advance if you end up reading this years down the road, and feel cheated of all the love and attention that you should be receiving from your mother.

On to the updates…

Week 12 started off with a bang, with the NT Scan at the hospital (look at the pictures here). We were able to see you squirming around in my womb, sleeping with your arms over your head (just like your mom! ), and looking like a human for the first time.

Starting last week, you were able to start opening and closing your fingers, curling your toes, clenching your eyes shut, and making sucking movements with your mouth! You are even able to react to us poking at you from the outside (I only wish I can feel you already!).

According to experts, the average baby is 2.1 inches long, crown to rump, at this stage. I guess you are already above average because you were measuring 2.5 inches at the NT scan which occurred exactly at the start of Week 12.

I really thought that I can start breathing a sigh of relief after Week 12 passed, but that wasn’t the case. I entered Week 13 with even more anxiety and fear; the only relief came from the fetal doppler which I use every few days to make sure that you are still alive in there.

As I write this you are 13 weeks and 3 days old. Based on your Week 12 measurements, I imagine that you are now well over 3 inches long.

The biggest development news this week? You now have fingerprints! How amazing is that? I also know that just three weeks ago your head accounted for half your body size, but now that ratio is closer to one-third.

As for your mom, I have been feeling significantly better — physically — this week. Although my nausea has never been too bad with this pregnancy, I would still have that slight nagging feeling on a constant basis. But now, even that is practically non-existent and I have tons more energy.

I am definitely not able to button my pants anymore, and I have been giving my one BellaBand and one pair of maternity pants quite a workout. However, earlier this week I received a generous donation of gently-used maternity clothes (including some additional BellaBands!) and I’m happily giving them a try.

Baby, please stay healthy and happy. That is all I ask for…